#228 Why Capable Kids End Up Stuck in Miserable Jobs Transcript

THIS IS AN AUTOMATED TRANSCRIPT… PLEASE FORGIVE THE TYPOS & GRAMMAR! xo-Lisa.

Lisa Marker-Robbins  00:00

I was recently in your shoes, and if I had a 15 to 22 year old right now, I would care a lot less about whether they had their entire future figured out, and a lot more about whether they were building the self awareness that they need, and exploring early options to keep options open. Because here’s what I see all the time with young adults. When I say young adults, I’m saying those that are in their 20s upwards to 30, when adult life starts layering in, before directions built their options, they start changing. And they start changing really fast. The reality is that some of the options that they had open earlier, they just completely disappear. In some, they carry a much higher cost now, in many different ways, not just money than they would have before. In some, they just simply become really hard for your kid you’re 20 something to emotionally or even cognitively justify choosing when they’re in their 20s. See, I’m working with a 26 year old right now. She’s smart, she’s capable, she’s really successful on paper. She’s the envy of some of her co workers, and she’s deeply unhappy in her work. See our experience together. My coaching with her will be a case study for this episode to hopefully inspire you and help you think about doing things a little bit differently. I started working with her just a couple months ago, and when we started, she was so miserable, even after our first session together, that she sent me a message. She said, next session, I need to talk about, am I better off to just go wait tables and I don’t know, teach Pilates and walk away from my HR career right now, while I figure out what the best next step is for me, and that means her $55,000 salary to just wait tables. So one of the hardest things that she’s realizing now, and it’s emotionally hard, but she’s starting to make peace with it, is some of the options that she would have been able to justify choosing in her teens and her 20s while she was still in college, even in 22 right when she was graduating, they’re a lot harder to double down on to choose now that she’s 27 and it’s not that she lacks ability to do those things, or it’s not that she’s lazy. There’s real adult life that’s coming into play, and it’s something that I believe teen parents early adulthood, you know, 1819, 20, they don’t realize it’s going to sneak up on them quickly. See, she never really built the self awareness early enough to understand what fit her before real adult life came knocking on her door and suddenly became way more complicated than she ever expected. And see the interesting thing through this process that I’m going to share with you today is and it’s the good news. We are figuring it out. I’m watching her grow in confidence. She’s showing up differently at work every single day. She’s networking about opportunities in ways that she would have been terrified to do before, and she’s exploring options that fit her far better than where she is right now, but I did talk her out of waiting tables, and she’s sticking with her job, and she’s building grit and resilience as she goes through it, and honestly, and I’d say this to Molly, she made some of the same mistakes I see many young adults making before they build real self awareness in their choosing direction, and that’s exactly why I created my free video training so families can avoid unnecessary frustration that I’m watching her in real time deal with wasted Time and false starts. So if you want to grab that before we keep going, it’s at floors, coaching, co com, forward slash video, but that’s what we’re going to dig into today. That’s what we’re going to talk about. And we do this not to create fear, but to create hope, not to pressure young people and having everything figured out forever, but to have. Options earlier, to help families understand why exploration and self awareness matter before life starts deciding for them. I want to keep you guys in control. See, there’s this myth that exists. And you guys, if you’re longtime listeners, you’ve heard me talk about a lot, they’re young, they have time, and yes, they do. But here’s what I want you to know. The truth is, because that’s that’s sort of a myth, but the truth really is that that time we’re talking about without intentionality is not neutral. That’s what we want to believe when we say, give them time, let them grow up, let time take care of it. What you guys are actually saying to me is time is neutral. And what I see with the 4000 plus that I’ve supported, and I painfully see with the 20 somethings, is time without intention is not neutral. Hang on to that it does not always preserve flexibility when you’re waiting on time. So let’s talk about what those real adult life layering in pieces are that I’m watching Molly in real time struggle with as we look at her options. First of all, it’s money I preach all the time that you cannot successfully launch a young person out into the world, out of your home, on their own two adult feet, without a paying job. And I already told you she’s making $55,000 a year. Okay, so mid 20s, 55,000 and what she has said to me as we’ve talked through some of her options, one of the things that take some options off the table that would not have taken them off the table in the younger years, is I, and she literally said this, I don’t have to think about the money that I’m spending now. We could argue about whether she should or shouldn’t, or whether she should have a strict budget. But right now, she is not living paycheck to paycheck. She has time to buy what feels like luxury or money to buy what feels like luxury items. To her, she recently took a trip to Seattle. She’s planning another trip to San Diego with friends. She’s got flexibility that her income supports. And so when I talk to her about some of these options, and we look at what they would make to start out, she says to me, I can’t do it. I’m not willing to adapt my lifestyle at this standpoint, or take a step backward financially. And that’s very real. I hear it all the time. Another one that pops up for these kids in their 20s, some things when it just kind of quietly, subtly reduces their options is their geography, community location, right? So Molly grew up in the Midwest, and she made an intentional decision not too long ago to relocate to the southwest, and she because she is lovely, I tell you, and capable and warm. She’s building real connections and community already in her new geography. So there was an option that we looked at recently, and really, if you want to do that job, and she would love that job, it would I’m going to give you something else in a minute. It would require another degree. We’ll talk about that in a second. But it also would probably really require moving to New York City or Los Angeles if she really wanted to thrive higher higher cost of living than where she is now, abandoning her new relationships that she is loving, abandoning the geography that she has fallen in love with. She does not want to go for those New York cold winters. I hear that all the time from this age group, and it doesn’t even take her back to her roots, where her family is. So that’s another thing, like we become embedded in life. I mean, I remember not too long ago, I was offered a job in Nashville, you know? Well, I was offered to come interview for a job in Nashville, and I had to say, No, I live in Cincinnati, Ohio. This is where my family is. So geography is real. Now, this one a lot of people don’t think about because, you know, young people have a lot of energy, right? But there were two options that we explored that both would have been pay cuts, but they also were teed up by the individuals that she was networking with to have informational interviews to learn about the jobs. There were two jobs that the word hustle came in a lot, that she would have to quote pay her dues, and even in her mid 20s, she has already done that a bit in her first professional career that honestly has some aspects that are still a good fit, but that’s for another time. But she’s looking to make a change, but she’s not willing to go backwards into. So pay your dues. Hustle, hustle, hustle, over work, long hours, unusual hours, right outside the regular work day. So she has said to me, I have a really good work life balance. I have time for friends and activities in the evenings and on the weekends. I have the availability to travel. I’d be worth giving up some PTO so that willingness to hustle to double down changes over time, sooner than you think. And I hear this from 20 somethings all the time now, particularly for those who already have a college degree. And we work with individuals, 15 to 25 year olds on all educational paths, there is this piece of once they have a degree, an unwillingness, or just a greater difficulty, to both emotionally and financially, restart an educational path, whether that means a graduate degree. You know, I hear all the time naysayers say to me like, well, they can just go get a graduate degree later. Well, sometimes there is an actual undergraduate degree that is required for some of the job options. But here’s the deal, and this moves the stat, but only about 30 some percent, between 30 and 40% of Americans hold a four year college degree. It’s in the teens. It’s around 13% or so that hold a Master’s degree. So while we may see a young person, a teenager, thriving academically and doing really well, loving College, most of them are not going to want to go on and earn a graduate degree, even if they can financially afford it, or you’re willing to flip the bill, you’re able to, you’re blessed if you’re able to. Most of your kids, emotionally are going to resist that, whether it’s another undergraduate degree or a graduate degree, if they’ve already started working, I’m a huge fan of gap years. And go back and listen to other episodes I’ve had in that and how to do them correctly. There’s a way to do them incorrectly, for sure, but when we get so far away, it’s like, I remember when, you know, when my twins turned four, I was like, Oh, it would have taken me this long before I would have been ready to have another kid, and I’m not willing to go back to diapers and car seats and all the things. So if you’re a parent, you know that feeling, right? So the key here is when adult life layers in, some of these options disappear, maybe not really, but they’re just expensive, emotionally, financially, or look just logistically for your young person, and that changes a lot. So when I’m encouraging earlier exploration, earlier self awareness, this is not about picking the perfect permanent path at 16, but it is about intentionally doing the work to build the self awareness and direction before life gets more complicated. You probably feel as complicated right now if you have a teenager, and as a mom of adult kids, I’m going to tell you, it just gets a little more complicated, okay, but here’s some good news among this story, this case study that we’re doing with Molly. All is not lost. She is not stuck. I want you to hear me loud and clear. Let me say it again. She is not stuck. She’s making progress, and we are finding real world options that fit. Here’s what has changed for her as she’s gone through this process. I have seen her grow in her self awareness to the point where she’s actually in the job that she’s not thrilled with. She is working differently. She’s approaching time management differently. She’s approaching colleagues differently, and it hasn’t changed that she still wants to change her job, but she is able to have grit to stick with it and not throw it all away to go wait tables, which I reminded her, we really create a resume gap. That in a hard economy is a problem, right? It’s a signal of a problem for somebody who wants to justify being able to hire her. She’s building professional confidence, right? I have connected her with strangers in my network for informational interviews, and while she’s scared to say yes, go show up, have the ask the questions while she gets nervous, responding when she gets nervous, reaching out to her own network she’s she’s learned through me, introducing her to people, how to then go ask herself, right? So she’s building professional confidence that’s going to serve her forever, and it would have served her well if she would have done that in her teens or 20s. But the good news is, she’s doing. It now, and it’s not too late. So she’s showing initiative and her exploration now. It’s aligned with who she is. So growth is always possible. I say to people, while you know, time reduces some options. It takes some options off the table. There is always hope. There is always a path forward. That’s why I’m a coach. That’s what’s coaching is about, right? There’s always a brighter future ahead, even with reduced options. It’s just that earlier simply is going to create more flexibility for your child. It’s not about forcing certainty. It’s about helping them understand themselves, explore and validate in a real systematic framework, so that they can gain early traction. And I want to, as you guys are listening to this, you know, we’re we’re at the kind of, if you’re listening in real time, we’re at the unofficial start of summer, right? And I care deeply about summer, and not because it means the lazy days of summer and being able to be outside, if you listen enough, you know, I’m an outdoors person, or, you know, relaxing by the pool, that is not why. It’s because summer creates for everybody a more relaxed state, even us as adults. We know that, right? So young people, whether they’re still in high school, college or out of either or both, they still have more margin, I believe, during summer, than any other time of year, margin before that next season, which be unofficial, into summer at Labor Day, life good is going to speed up again, right? So here’s what I want you to think about as we head into summer. What if by Labor Day, when it arrives, your young person has built that self awareness has a stronger direction, more confidence, real world exposure, a professional network that they were confident enough to grow on their own, not with you doing it for them, they’ve learned to make connections that support their professional growth, and they understand clearly what their best next step is. How differently would that feel in the fall from where you are now see if you’re listening to this and you realize we need to get more intentional before life gets fuller. Here’s what I want you to do. I want you to start with my free video. We walk through the most common mistakes that reduce momentum and create confusion for young people like Molly later on, it unearths some of the same patterns and mistakes that, yes, she also experienced before she began building real clarity and confidence. You can go get the video at flourish, coaching, code.com, forward slash video, and then next week, I want you to come back, because here’s what we’re going to do with that unofficial start to summer. I want to help you think strategically about something that most families waste, and that is the lazy days of summer. They go at it with the idea of rejuvenation and relaxation, and they when they do and they don’t think about intentionality, they’re actually going to waste something that’s very valuable, because the right summer plan can create enormous momentum before the next season begins. So take a listen here. Grab the free video. Listen to it before we get to next week. And then we’re going to take what you learn, and I’m gonna give you a framework to be in a different place by Labor Day. If you know somebody else who could benefit from this, either share this episode with them or just send them a link to get the video, because we are great when we come together, when we wrap around as a community, and we do it together. Okay, come back next week. I’m ready to support you for a better summer ahead.